The Part of Parenthood Nobody Prepares You For: Grieving Who You Were Before

THE BROODE EXPERT BLOG · WELLBEING

Grieving who you were before

Sandra Schmidt Holistic parenting mentor · 4 min read

You can love being a parent and still miss who you were before. Both things can be true.

You can adore this little person and still miss the freedom of leaving the house without planning around feeds, naps, bags and routines.

You can feel grateful for your family and still miss your work, your friendships, your body, your independence, your relationship, or simply the version of you who had more space to think.

As a mum of six, I find that we don't talk about this enough, because there can be so much guilt attached to admitting it.

But becoming a parent isn't simply adding a baby to the life you already had. Your relationships, routines, responsibilities and even your sense of who you are can shift. This transition is sometimes described as matrescence: the process of becoming a mother. And let's not forget partners, who are becoming parents too.

Any major transition can bring both gaining and grieving. Missing who you were doesn't mean you want to go backwards. So perhaps the question isn't "How do I get the old me back?" Maybe it's this:

Who am I becoming now, and which parts of myself do I want to bring with me?

Becoming a parent takes time

It doesn't come with a manual, but it certainly comes with a lot of questions. And on top of it all, we can put enormous pressure on ourselves to adjust quickly: to find a routine, keep the house going, manage the baby, and somehow still feel like ourselves.

But perhaps this season asks for something different. Support. Slowing down. And time to find our feet.

You and your baby are adjusting together

Those early weeks aren't necessarily about getting everything into a perfect routine. Your baby is adjusting to an entirely new world too. Responding to their need for closeness, comfort, feeding and reassurance can help them begin to experience the world as a safe place.

Maybe there is less to manage here than we think. While you're getting to know this new little person, you're also getting to know a new version of yourself.

And once things begin to feel a little more settled, there's one more question worth asking: what parts of myself do I miss, and how can I slowly make space for them again?

With gratitude,
Sandra

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Sandra Schmidt Mum of six in Kenmare, Co. Kerry. Trauma-informed and somatic compassionate inquiry practitioner (Dr Gabor Maté) and holistic parenting and relationship mentor. sandraschmidt.ie · @sandra_schmidt_kenmare